Ravens' Chris Canty speaking out at seminar to prevent domestic violence

Ravens defensive lineman Chris Canty plans to deliver a strong message about preventing domestic violence to hundreds of middle school, high school, college and youth coaches.

This is the kind of thing I like to see. Strong men speaking to younger men and role models about acceptable behavior.

A Letter to My Son About Consent

SMR:

This post links to a letter written by a mother to her son after what happened in Ohio hit the news.  

After watching families walk together at Walk A Mile In Her Shoes 2013 yesterday, I began to think how different life would be if we just simply talked about it. 

I wonder how many parents tell their children, especially their sons, straight up, “don’t do this or that or that other thing.” I mean, the basics, sure: don’t drink and drive, don’t come home past curfew, don’t talk back to your mother. But how about (from the article): “Resist the dangerous temptation to hope a kiss will just drift into something more without talking about it. Understand that ‘trying it on’ or ‘pushing your luck’ or imagining you’re correctly ‘reading the signs’ are all just polite euphemisms for being willing to risk committing a sexual assault in the hope that your feelings are reciprocated. Seriously, don’t. Every single woman I know can reel off experiences with this. Don’t be that guy.”

Or even more importantly, how many parents tell their children, especially their sons, do? Do wait for her to say yes, because “the word yes is the only 100% unambiguous yes.”  Do treat women with respect. Do consider her feelings. Do put yourself in her shoes. 

I realize it’s awkward having a parent talk about sex at all, even if it’s talking about fun parts: “there are real personal benefits to consent. Consensual sex is glorious. Verbal communication is hot. Listening to your partner and verbalising what you want will make you better in bed, and more responsive to each other’s needs.”

So, yes, even hearing the word sex from some parents’ lips is cringe-worthy. I understand that. But maybe we should all take a page from this mother’s book and starting talking about it. Write it down if it’s too difficult to have a real conversation.  Because it’s when we don’t talk about this kind of thing, where we don’t establish boundaries of what’s acceptable and unacceptable, that events like what happened in Ohio happen. The writer of this letter says it best:

“I’m writing this letter after watching the parents in the Steubenville Rape Trial crying over their son as he was found guilty of rape…you see, somehow this crying couple’s son and his friends were convinced they had a right to do as they pleased – either because they were brought up believing themselves to be above the rules, or because they were so lacking in common decency that they had no concept of how to treat other people. Whichever it was, the parents and coaches of Steubenville failed their sons and contributed to a culture where a girl was treated in the most heartless and disgraceful way for these boys amusement. The horrible truth is that as long as parents anywhere allow their boys to think that their wants are more important than other people’s rights this will continue to happen.”

SMR note: I also believe that raising daughters to understand what they deserve, which is clear respect of their bodies and themselves and decent treatment by men, is also just as important as raising boys to believe that male wants are not more important than a woman’s right to say yes or no.

Military #culturechange and moving forward

SMR:

This post links to an article discussing (yay!) the “Invisible War” panel and comments that occurred this past Friday at the End Violence Against Women International Conference 2013 (which I attended! and will post about as soon as I can put that fantastic experience into words).  

Seeing an article like this one though, one that focuses on the steps forward the military is making, creates such an encouraging feeling.  Too often, one finds negative article after negative article, about how the military has failed its service members, has been part of systemic problems without attempting to fix them, has basically just been a flop in dealing with the sexual assault problems of recent years. To read something like this, an article about how the military is establishing practices for effectively combating both sexual assaults in general and perhaps just as importantly the military sexual assault/harassment culture, well, I think we need to see and read more articles like this.

To enact culture change in any form, in any culture, is extremely difficult. To enact culture change in such a huge organization based on traditions and behavior that have been similar, if not the same, for decades, well, that ain’t no easy fix.

From the article: “The Defense Department works worldwide to prevent and respond to sexual assault, using “five lines of effort,” [Army Maj. Gen. Gary S. Patton] said: prevention, accountability, investigation, victim advocacy and assessment.

Prevention begins with training commanders in best practices and working that effort down to the lowest level, Patton said. Each service branch, he said, has such a program in place.”

What he’s talking about, these 5 areas stated above, are ones that I do firmly believe can do the most good if they’re successfully enacted.  

General Patton also mentions victim advocacy. As a future military victim advocate (hopefully!) I am in full support of this.  Not only because it means I might have a job, but because advocates are important.  As General Patton says, “We’re creating a special victims capability for each of the services,” Patton explained, “and will deliver a distinct group of specially trained professionals such as victim witness liaisons, paralegals, and so forth, all united under our common policy framework of standardized training … to come together and work these important aspects.”

Victim advocacy is a way to standardize and offer reporting options to victims, to motivate reporting and enable greater accountability for offenders, Patton said, noting that military sexual assault victims who want to change their units have had a 99 percent success rate.”

The general said the Defense Department’s efforts to curb sexual assaults will enable culture change. “I believe we can turn this around,” he said. “The [department] is firmly committed to changing the culture.”

Panelist Russell Strand, chief of family advocacy law enforcement training for the Army Military Police School at Fort Leonard Wood, Mo., also weighed in on the importance of culture change.

“I’ve never seen a culture change [happen] so fast, so well and so immediately in the military,” said Strand, a former service member. He added that sexual assault is taken seriously in the military.

“We will do whatever it takes to minimize, and eventually eradicate, this scourge upon our military,” Strand said.

This is the military I want to work with and help support. I want to do my part, serve the troops who protect me and keep me safe, and be part of the change.

Tony Porter's a call to men to break free of the "man box"

SMR:

This post links to Tony Porter’s Ted Talk.  Ted Talks (we recently had a Tedx talk on the W&M campus) are inspiring, educational presentations that, in my opinion, connect speakers to their audiences in unprecedented ways.

Mr. Porter is part of the leadership of the organization A Call to Men, an organization I’ve mentioned before that works with men to end violence against women caused by men.  From Mr. Porter’s biography: “Tony is an educator, activist and lecturer who has been working in the social justice arena for over twenty years. He is both nationally and internationally recognized for his effort to end men’s violence against women and promote healthy and respectful manhood…He’s currently working with numerous domestic and sexual violence programs, the National Football League, colleges and universities around the country. He has worked with the United States Military Academy at West Point and the United States Naval Academy at Annapolis and the National basketball Association.”

Now, there’s a couple things from his biography I want to comment on. One, let’s take a look at Mr. Porter:

Mr. Porter is a “man’s man.” Just from his appearance, tall, broad-shouldered, big. He looks like an athlete.  Additionally, he talks like a man “should;” deep voice, very powerful.  So to hear sentences like this one, “It would destroy [this young male athlete] to be called a girl…what are we teaching him about girls?” is a complete break of the stereotype of a “man’s man.” 

So when he speaks at places like the military academies, which, also in my opinion, is where the culture change much needed by the military should really take place, I’d think young men will listen. He works with athletes, who are the role models for our sons and brothers and husbands (The NFL and NBA, to name two).

Then there’s what his Ted Talk was about, which is the “collective socialization of men, better know as the ‘man box’ that men are placed in from a very, very young age.  This “man box” tells them that “men had to be tough, had to be strong…no emotions with the exception of anger,” along with the other stereotypical ideas of what it means to be male, like the importance of sex any way you can get it, or that “women are of less value, property of men, objects, particularly sexual objects.”  This goes back to my belief that #culturechange is becoming more and more necessary. We cannot raise men who hold these beliefs as true and good, because this is part of the rape and violent culture that holds today.  I’ll let Mr. Porter say it better:

“I need [men] on board.  I need you with me.  I need you working with me and me working with you on how we raise our sons, and teach them to be me. That it’s okay to not be dominating! That it’s okay to have feelings and emotions. That it’s okay to promote equality! That it’s okay to have women who are just friends and that’s it.  That it’s okay to be whole, that my liberation as a man is tied to your liberation as a woman.”

#culturechange of ALL the cultures

I’m going to start this post off with a direct quote from the article I’m linking to: 

“Another day, another scandal surrounding organized sports and sexual assault. In the wake of Steubenville, another small community finds itself embroiled in controversy stemming from its local high school football program.  This time it is Torrington, Conn. Last week, two Torrington High School football players were charged with sexual assault. Edgar Gonzalez and Joan Toribio, both 18, face charges stemming from allegations that the pair sexually assaulted a 13-year-old girl…These two cases, situated so closely together, highlight a disturbing trend in sports and society at-large. The current celebrity culture surrounding major high school sports is fostering an environment where young athletes live with little consequences for their actions.”

I italicized the last sentence because it’s one of the main points of my blog. Remember, #culturechange? No one should be above the law. Especially not high school students. Because high school is not a celebrity environment, or at least, it shouldn’t be. I’m not that far out of high school myself, and I remember how the football players were treated in my school. It definitely wasn’t like superstars. But, I have to be aware, I didn’t live in a traditional small town. My school’s marching band was oftentimes more successful than our football team, and the band culture was huge. (We had over 200 students in our marching band. Parents were really involved.)

That’s part of the problem, though. Cultures are different from town to town, state to state, region to region. Or unfortunately, they are too much the same in negative ways.  

One of the points that I often make on this blog is the fact that the rape culture we live in needs to change.  Another point I often make but haven’t talked about yet is this: we (general term) talk so much about how, oh, that girl wore a short skirt and skimpy top and then she was assaulted. She should have known better; she was exposing herself and she was “asking for it.” But there are rapes that occur in India and many other countries all over the world where women don’t wear those types of clothing, and thus obviously they aren’t “asking for it via their clothing.”

Overall, it’s not about what she’s wearing. It’s about the culture that says a woman is lesser, than it’s okay to attack her, to hurt her, to violate her because…she’s a woman.  It’s about a culture that tells these high school athletes that they’re so special that they’re above the law (although the recent verdict coming out of Steubenville is the start of saying “no, you’re not above the law”).  The culture needs to change, and it has to start small.  

And there’s an organization that’s actually attempting to do that.  A Call to Men is an organizationthat “believes that preventing domestic and sexual violence is primarily the responsibility of men. Although historically it has been almost entirely women who have been at the forefront addressing this issue, we think it is essential that men play a primary role in the solution. To do that, well-meaning men…men who, for the most part don’t see themselves as part of the problem…need to get involved.”  

Recently, A Call to Men brought “brought hundreds of coaches and students from across North and South Carolina together including Panthers head coach Ron Rivera” to talk about guiding young men both on and off the field. Information about sexual violence and male behavior coming from male role models like coaches is a fantastic idea.  Who better to listen to than the man you trust implicitly, like athletes trust their coaches? 

Another organization is Men Can Stop Rape (so true!).  From their website, “Men Can Stop Rape seeks to mobilize men to use their strength for creating cultures free from violence, especially men’s violence against women.” They have an upcoming seminar entitled, Healthy Masculinity: From Theory to Practice training.  I love this idea.  Sometimes, men think that they’re more masculine because of the degrading way they treat women, but this isn’t true.  As such, this training “presents participants with a positive approach to engaging men and prepares them with the necessary skills to motivate men to take a more active role in challenging the attitudes and behaviors that support rape and other forms of men’s violence against women.”

Both these organizations are on the right track.  Too often, unfortunately, men are told that because they’re men, they could be rapists.  I’ve actually heard someone say that about a training they participated in. That’s not an effective way of changing the culture. Men overall could be a fantastic resource in the fight against sexual violence, and that is a huge part of the culture change.

#culturechange

The use of "what if it was (fill in the blank) argument"

SMR:

Written by Anne Thériault, this post links to her piece on the argument of, “what if it was your mother, your sister, your wife, your daughter being the one assaulted? Would you care then?” 

From Thériault: “Framing the issue this way for rape apologists can seem useful. I totally get that. It feels like you’re humanizing the victim and making the event more relatable, more sympathetic to the person you’re arguing with.

You know what, though? Saying these things is not helpful; in fact, it’s not even helping to humanize the victim. What you are actually doing is perpetuating rape culture by advancing the idea that a woman is only valuable in so much as she is loved or valued by a man.”